Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Puppy Heaven

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Traffic Jam

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

"It’s Santa," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the wedding. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far…ten gallons."

Break It 2 Me Gently

A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days you could of broke me the news easier. When I called before I left, you could of told me we found him on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me the Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry ... you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright .. Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how's Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Too caring

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

Dating a Widow

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Smith,
the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Smith picked up her and they went on a picnic in a
very secluded spot. Smith also had been widowed
for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie,
and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a
time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Smith said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Smith and said,
"...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

Mental Asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

Tracks

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Idiot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.

"What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Transferring Files

Santa once wanted to transfer some files form
One PC to another.

Following was the steps followed by him.

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which
he wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it
to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file.

4) Right clicked the mouse and
Selected the PASTE option.

Which is the most important for us?

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

Pupil : "The moon".

Teacher : "Why?"

Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

Funny Answers

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take his cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Beacuse I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: No, beacuse you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes throught one ear and comes out the other.
MAN: You tell a woman something : it goes in both ears and comes out the mouth.

GIRLFRIEND: "... And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
BOYFRIEND: " Dead sure! I checked the whole list yesterday".

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

WAITER: Would you like your coffe black?
CUSTOMER: What other colors do you have?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
When the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure; it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably; it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit"

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

"Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"

A guy goes into a diner and sits at the counter. He asks the waitress, "What's today's special?"

The waitress says, "Chili, but the man sitting next to you bought the last bowl."

So the guy says, "Okay, I'll just have a cup of coffee."

While the waitress goes for the coffee, the guy looks over at the man sitting next to him. He's eating a huge meal, but he's not touching the chili.

The guy says to him, "Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"

The man says, "No, be my guest."

The guy slides the bowl over, picks up a spoon, and begins to eagerly devour the chili. He's almost finished when he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. This makes the guy sick, and he pukes up everything he just ate back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him looks over and calmly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

Stupid Questions With The Smart Answers.

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks. it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's you phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve.??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

Blonde Hit

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies,
"When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!

A bill for $50,000

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

Chain Mail Victim....

Everybody got those long CHAIN MAILs in thier email accounts frequently, which said to forward that mail to all ur contacts to increase awareness and contains more of forwarded mail ID list then the real TEXT matter of the mail...
Here is effect of CHAIN MAIL on one of Vicitm of such mails, who really took them seriously......
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004 & 2005
Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Chinese Good luck etc... now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not copy this TEXT and send it as e-mail to at least 11,2460 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 4:30 PM