The Magic Atmosphere

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Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Smoking ????

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Puppy Heaven

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Prevention is better than cure

Traffic Jam

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

"It’s Santa," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the wedding. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far…ten gallons."

Break It 2 Me Gently

A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days you could of broke me the news easier. When I called before I left, you could of told me we found him on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me the Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry ... you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright .. Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how's Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Too caring

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

Human Crossing

Dating a Widow

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Smith,
the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Smith picked up her and they went on a picnic in a
very secluded spot. Smith also had been widowed
for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie,
and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a
time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Smith said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Smith and said,
"...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

Essential Safety

Mental Asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

Donkey Beauty

Tracks

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.