Humor Hug

Smokers Tooth Brush

2007-07-03T22:48:00.001+05:00

The Magic Atmosphere

2007-06-24T20:10:00.000+05:00

Family Photograph

2007-06-22T00:51:00.000+05:00

Latest News - Bush Caught

2007-06-16T15:53:00.001+05:00

Pirate

2007-06-15T20:38:00.000+05:00

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Smoking ????

2007-06-14T20:49:00.000+05:00

"What does that tell you?"

2007-06-13T20:37:00.000+05:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Puppy Heaven

2007-06-12T18:42:00.000+05:00

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Prevention is better than cure

2007-06-11T19:49:00.000+05:00

Traffic Jam

2007-06-09T20:46:00.000+05:00

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

"It’s Santa," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the wedding. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far…ten gallons."

Break It 2 Me Gently

2007-06-08T13:27:00.000+05:00

A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days you could of broke me the news easier. When I called before I left, you could of told me we found him on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me the Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry ... you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright .. Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how's Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Too caring

2007-06-07T21:11:00.000+05:00

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

Human Crossing

2007-06-06T20:44:00.000+05:00

Dating a Widow

2007-06-05T19:28:00.000+05:00

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Smith,
the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Smith picked up her and they went on a picnic in a
very secluded spot. Smith also had been widowed
for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie,
and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a
time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Smith said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Smith and said,
"...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

Essential Safety

2007-06-04T23:50:00.000+05:00

Mental Asylum

2007-06-03T20:39:00.000+05:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

Donkey Beauty

2007-06-02T22:02:00.000+05:00

Tracks

2007-06-01T20:51:00.000+05:00

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Pigeon's Revenge

2007-05-31T21:12:00.000+05:00

Idiot

2007-05-30T22:08:00.000+05:00

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.

"What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

On board

2007-05-29T15:09:00.000+05:00

Transferring Files

2007-05-28T22:26:00.000+05:00

Santa once wanted to transfer some files form
One PC to another.

Following was the steps followed by him.

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which
he wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it
to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file.

4) Right clicked the mouse and
Selected the PASTE option.

Which is the most important for us?

2007-05-27T22:40:00.000+05:00

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

Pupil : "The moon".

Teacher : "Why?"

Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

Funny Answers

2007-05-27T21:32:00.000+05:00

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take his cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Beacuse I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: No, beacuse you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes throught one ear and comes out the other.
MAN: You tell a woman something : it goes in both ears and comes out the mouth.

GIRLFRIEND: "... And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
BOYFRIEND: " Dead sure! I checked the whole list yesterday".

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

WAITER: Would you like your coffe black?
CUSTOMER: What other colors do you have?

Mobile Toilet

2007-05-26T18:46:00.000+05:00

Nice Couples

2007-05-25T20:04:00.000+05:00

Any comments...................

2007-05-25T19:56:00.000+05:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed

2007-05-24T22:01:00.000+05:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
When the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure; it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably; it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit"

Wanna RIDE ???

2007-05-23T18:49:00.000+05:00

A Really Bad Day

2007-05-22T19:51:00.000+05:00

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Innovative Table

2007-05-21T18:52:00.000+05:00

"Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"

2007-05-20T19:36:00.000+05:00

A guy goes into a diner and sits at the counter. He asks the waitress, "What's today's special?"

The waitress says, "Chili, but the man sitting next to you bought the last bowl."

So the guy says, "Okay, I'll just have a cup of coffee."

While the waitress goes for the coffee, the guy looks over at the man sitting next to him. He's eating a huge meal, but he's not touching the chili.

The guy says to him, "Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"

The man says, "No, be my guest."

The guy slides the bowl over, picks up a spoon, and begins to eagerly devour the chili. He's almost finished when he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. This makes the guy sick, and he pukes up everything he just ate back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him looks over and calmly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

Stupid Questions With The Smart Answers.

2007-05-19T23:06:00.000+05:00

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks. it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's you phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve.??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

Blonde Hit

2007-05-19T22:34:00.000+05:00

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies,
"When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!

A bill for $50,000

2007-05-17T22:43:00.000+05:00

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

Chain Mail Victim....

2007-05-17T16:17:00.000+05:00

Everybody got those long CHAIN MAILs in thier email accounts frequently, which said to forward that mail to all ur contacts to increase awareness and contains more of forwarded mail ID list then the real TEXT matter of the mail...
Here is effect of CHAIN MAIL on one of Vicitm of such mails, who really took them seriously......
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004 & 2005
Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Chinese Good luck etc... now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not copy this TEXT and send it as e-mail to at least 11,2460 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 4:30 PM

Description of different type of jobs and others...

2007-05-16T22:29:00.000+05:00

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Silly Interviews

2007-05-15T22:37:00.000+05:00

Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper" ! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

Why do men die first?

2007-05-14T21:57:00.000+05:00

Why do men die first?

Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have aboring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

Affair with Boss

2007-05-13T21:14:00.000+05:00

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the
same office with the same female boss. Every day,
they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left,
they'd leave right behind her. After all,
she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home,
but when she got to her bedroom she heard a
muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and
was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead mentioned leaving early again,
and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed.
"I almost got caught yesterday!"

Boss Issues

2007-05-12T21:22:00.000+05:00

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read,

"I'm the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Is it SAFE???

2007-05-11T19:34:00.000+05:00

SANTA THE GREAT wanted to travel by air so he went to the air port and asked about the safety of the flight

"What are the chances of a person carrying a bomb on the plane " he asked.
The chances are one in thousand " the authority replied

"Oh thats not safe enough " he said "could you suggest a safer method"

" you come after three days" the authority said " may be we can help"

When SANTA reached after three days the authority said
" Sir if you can carry a bomb yourself then it will be safer coz the chances that there are two persons carrying a bomb on the same plane are one in a million"

A visit to Grandma

2007-05-11T18:11:00.000+05:00

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson Anthony who is coming to visit with his wife Maria

You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301 .
There issa bigga panel at the front door.
With you elbow pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
Thena with you elbow, hit my doorbell.

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

What . . . . . . . .. You coming empty handed???

Husband

2007-05-10T20:50:00.000+05:00

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the pub. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, who was waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Crazy Tatoo

2007-05-08T20:35:00.000+05:00

NEW LAWS !!!

2007-05-08T15:16:00.000+05:00

* Jone's Motto :Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* Terman's Law of Innovation :If you want a team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot each.

* O'brien's Variation :If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

* Conway's Law :In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

* The Peter Principle :In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* H.L.Mencken's Law :Those who can, do. Those who cannot teach.

* Martin's Extension :Those who can't teach, administer.

* Belani's Extrapolation :Those who cannot even administer, become consultants.

* Lieberman's Law :Everbody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

* Kovac's Conundrum :When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

* Van Herpen's Law :The solving of the problem lies in finding the solvers.

* Murphy's Law of Government :If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

* Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters :The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

* Young's Law :Great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Kin Hubbard :A good listener is usually thinking about something else

* One Anonymous Great Seer's Law :Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

Taj Mahal is being moved to Pune

2007-05-08T15:05:00.000+05:00

Due to severe pollution problems in Agra Indian government has decided to move Taj Mahal from Agra to Pune

Manager

2007-05-06T20:12:00.000+05:00

Each morning the manager was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the manager's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The manager couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'

WHY AMITABH BACHCHAN WAS ADMITED IN HOSPITAL

2007-05-06T19:21:00.000+05:00

BECAUSE OF SANTA SINGH

With Santa Singh…

The Story So Far…
Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for “50-50″ and “Phone a Friend”. Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 50 lacs. Let’s see what happens next…

Amitabh Bachchan:Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par

Amitabh Bachchan:Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan?

Amitabh Bachchan: To Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He’s quite sure that Santa will opt for option A ]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused…

Amitabh Bachchan: Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai… 50-50 and phone a friend. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.
Santa Singh : I think it is A, but I’m not sure
Amitabh Bachchan: Not sure, Hmmm… Aap kya karna chahenge?
Santa Singh : I would like to use 50-50…
Amitabh Bachchan: Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye…

Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options

Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline…

Santa Singh : I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend…
Amitabh Bachchan : Aap kisse baat karna chahenge!?
Santa Singh : Main aapki Mrs – Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga…

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachcha

Santa Singh:”Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?”

Jaya Bachchan: What are the options ??

Hearing this Santa Singh faints too…

Lion or Monkey

2007-05-04T00:53:00.000+05:00

In a poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.

One day the lion thought its prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo. The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.

On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.

Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas to me?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!

Moral: Better to be a Lion in Pakistan than a Monkey elsewhere .....

We Deliver

2007-05-03T20:05:00.000+05:00

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

How Things Work In Real Life

2007-05-02T20:31:00.000+05:00

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Hell Fire - Emergency

2007-05-01T19:59:00.000+05:00

Goony Bird

2007-05-01T19:53:00.000+05:00

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait.
To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.
"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"